A couple of posts ago, I mentioned the discussion group I’ve been attending on Sundays. Yesterday’s topic was “What is a friend?” I went largely from curiosity because I feel as though I know very little about friendship, and it must be said that I left knowing not very much more. The sub-topics seemed to me to focus on developing and maintaining acquaintances.
Shortly after I moved to Asheville, an acquaintance of more than ten years asked if I’d made any friends here, and I responded that I don’t really make friends the way I think other people do. She replied that I should because it would be nice to have one in my apartment complex in case I needed something, which more or less confirmed what I thought she was talking about.
I value my… acquaintanceships(?) (which I define as a more or less transactional relationship within boundaries and limitations, and probably an expectation of some level of quid pro quo). Anyone who knows me knows that they can call me at any hour of the day or night, and I’ll do what I can for them. (I retired to do that as a volunteer for the Red Cross.) With two or three exceptions, each of my Facebook “friends” is a family member or an acquaintance I would like to get to know better on a personal and/or professional basis.
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A friend, in my lexicon, will always act in their friend’s best interest. I do have one friend who, I believe, would move heaven and earth to help if needed (and she’s promised to come to my funeral), and I’d give her or her daughter an organ (although I don’t believe in organ transplantation); but it’s taken us almost twenty years to reach that level of mutual trust and respect and, even now, she’s not always sure that I’m there.
People call people to help them with things. I’ve helped people move; but I am so uncomfortable presuming upon my relationships that I moved myself without calling anyone. Have I set the “friendship” bar impossibly high?
Wow, this was a really good topic. I have had a few (in my lifetime) deep friendships and a lot of casual ones which is what you are probably calling acquaintanceships. I think some of what you are describing is what I have seen in my husband who doesn’t really have a lot of ‘friendships’ either but a lot of friends in a looser sense. Maybe men form less tight friendships whether they are raised in a different way or not.
I don’t really see a friend as someone I can call on for help though. It’s more an emotional connection where we can share the truth of who we are and still be loved. Doing something though for someone else, I am not sure how many I have that I’d ask much of or expect them to be there for me. I am an introvert though which means most of my energy comes from within me, not from other people. Maybe it’s made me need less of interconnected relationships than others might who were extroverts. I like people though, am not shy but having a lot of deep friendships, the kind where I really do share who I am, I don’t trust fast to that level either.
It’s a good question and I’ll think more about it later.
I like what you have said here immensely.
I find that, as I age, my idea of friendship has changed. I’ve become a lot more selective for one thing and, thanks to the Internet, my definition of friendship has broadened a tad. Emerson said that “a friend is someone with whom I can be sincere” and you fit that criteria given the lengthy discussions we’ve had about life, the universe and everything. Because I tend to be gregarious, I have a lot of acquaintances but very few friends and I think that’s true of all of us when it gets down to reality.
I like what General William Tecumseh Sherman (a fellow Ohioan) said, “Grant stood by me when I was crazy, and I stood by him when he was drunk, and now we stand by each other.” I think that his statement sort of defines friendship.
Thanks for letting me know about this blog Harold. I felt the same way after leaving the discussion. It seemed we talked a lot about making acquaintances and not so much about making “friends”.
I also feel like I have any number of acquaintances, but not very many friends I truly open up with. Though, I’m not sure I really open up to anyone very often. While I was not a foster child, I was the oldest child that had to take the reigns in parenting my siblings. We also moved nearly every year and I was in a constant state of being the new kid. I spent most of my time thinking of how to help others and focusing on being a “momster” (mom/sister) instead of cultivating connections/friends in my life.
This week’s Socrates Cafe ought to be helpful in getting closer to WHY we have a hard time making authentic connections. Something tells me more people than not have similar experiences with making friends that we are. 😉